..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
