yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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