saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
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