Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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