im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize