so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
