i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
COCAINE IS GR8
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