I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
