This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Randomize
