On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
