One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
