from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
