last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Randomize
