I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
