I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
