Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
