she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
