In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
