She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
I'm really busy with my period
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