fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
