You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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