I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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