hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
