It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
