I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
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