Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
