she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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