You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
