He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
You need Xanax blowdarts
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
