just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
