i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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