How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
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