Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I looked at my own cervix.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
