If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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