he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
