Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
sarcasm needs its own font
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
