My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
