We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
