halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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