Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
