Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
