My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
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