apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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