I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
