The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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