drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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