she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
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