why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
