do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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