Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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