I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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