My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
