My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
