he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Randomize