help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
handjob tips. give me some.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
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