We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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