So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
