On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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