After last night, I could never be a politician.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
