Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
It's shark week go big or go home
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
