He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
