dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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