A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Randomize
