That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
