If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
