You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
