As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
